Under The Spotlight With Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey

Business card :

Name –  Dr Lori Beth Bisbey

Nationality – UK/US

Occupation – Psychologist, Sex & Intimacy coach, speaker, radio show host, writer

Countries lived in – UK and USA

Came to London – Came to the UK in 1990

What is sex and intimacy coach? What is your mission?

As a sex & intimacy coach I help people to create and maintain conscious meaningful relationships that contain fabulous sex and physical intimacy.  When people work with me, we identify and honour their deepest desires, get rid of any shame around those desires so that they can create the type of sexual relationships and experiences that truly suit them.   I have a speciality in working with gender, sex and relationship diversity (LGBTQ+, consensual non-monogamy, kink/BDSM).  I am consensual non-monogamy and BDSM/Kink knowledgable. I also have a speciality in the treatment of trauma and PTSD and help people to move from victim to survivor and beyond back into a full life.

My mission is to take sex and conversations about sex from the shadows to the light.

Why did you decide to start working in this field?

I knew I had different desires from the time I was 9 years old and became aware of my sexuality.  When I went into working with people as a psychologist, I was moved to help people like me, who didn’t fit into the normative model of relationships (which remains heterosexual monogamous relationships).   I experienced a lot of shame around my sexuality and my desires growing up and as a young adult and this motivated me to work with others to help them to integrate desires and sexuality. Authenticity is extremely important to me and I work to help others achieve this as well.

How your work is different than the other experts in this field and why IWC members should turn to your services?  I have over 30 years experience for a start which means I have worked with many people from many walks of life and learned from them all too.  I am very pragmatic which means I choose the method of working to fit the individual client’s circumstances.  Often my methods and solutions are outside of the box.   Because of my experience and the methods I choose to use, I am known for people getting a lot done at deeper levels in a shorter period of time.

How can we improve our sex life in 3 easy steps? (Is there such thing)

Yes there is such a thing!  Step 1: Be present with your partner.  This means be wholly there: Turn off electronics, protect the time (whether it is 10 minutes or an hour or longer), focus your attention completely on your partner.  If these skills are difficult for you, don’t worry.  You can learn them! I regularly teach people to become present and embodied.

Step 2: Communicate your desires to your partner(s).  If this feels awkward, there are lots of tips and tricks to make it easier.

Step 3: Try something new: A different position, a different atmosphere, a different type of sex.

Is the understanding of sexuality different for females and males? 

Not really – it isn’t a binary thing.  Each person approaches sexuality in a different way.  There are some stereotypes that divide themselves between male and female but I see just as many people who don’t conform to the stereotypes so it isn’t terribly useful to talk about men do this and women that.

Is sex still a tabu in 21stcentury according to your clients? If yes, why? 

Talking about sex is still taboo in the 21stcentury according to my clients, colleagues and lots of the media.  Lots of sexual activities, types of relationships and types of sex are also still taboo.  As for why – We have never learned how to talk about sex and how to be comfortable with sex.  Many cultures still define acceptable sex based on restrictive religious rules. Even in those cultures because sex education is not generally thorough, the permitted sexual experiences are hard for people to enjoy.   Thorough sex education for children at many different ages and then for adults who have not been educated at children would vastly lower the amount of taboos around sex.

How long does it take to get used to your partner sexwise?

This depends entirely on the partner and the relationship.  If you are sexually honest with your partner from the start, it is much easier

.According to your experience can we have a “normal” relationship without having sex?

Normal is a mathematical term that is about central tendencies.  So when lots of people do or feel something we call it normal. At present, clinical depression at some point during the lifespan is normal because so many people experience this. It is not necessary good to be normal. Some people are asexual and have romantic relationships that either include no sex or little sex.  For them, that is normal.  For others, having no sex in a relationship is usually not desired and therefore not normal.

Is there any norm of the ratio of sex for  long relationships? We all have heard of couples who do not count this as an asset.

I am sure there are a variety of norms and I could look up the latest and quote them here. But why would you want to be the norm for this statistic?  How much sex do you want in your long term relationship?  If you are not happy with the present situation, seek to change it. I am in an 11 year relationship and we have sex less frequently than we did during the very beginning but we are still sexual far more frequently than I was in my previous long term relationship. I was in two sexless relationships and that was not something I wanted either time.  I would never accept no sex as the norm just because of the length of the relationship or our ages.

Who is your best client – a short description so IWC members can relate? 

Professionals who want to optimize their romantic and sexual relationships, discover and integrate desires, get rid of any shame around sexual desires or relationships.  Couples who want to heal sexual rifts or relationship rifts, who want to experiment with new forms of sexuality (non-monogamy, kink, BDSM).  Couples and individuals who are in gender, sex, relationship diversity groups (LGBTQ+. Non-monogamy, Kink/BDSM) or who are curious about these things.

Finally, people who want to increase their authenticity in all of their lives (and this might include healing past trauma)

.Do you think having a social network only for women was a good idea? Why?

Yes as it is always useful to have safe space for women given the current state of affairs for women in social spaces (and work spaces).

Does your programs and coaching apply to all ages, geographic locations and backgrounds?

Ages 18+ (though I do support families where a child/teenager is coming out as LGBTQ+).  Oldest client 81 years old so no age limit.  Any location as I work online as well as in person.  Any background.  

Do you organise events and where can IWC members meet you in person?

I organise events regularly in London and also in the US (primarily California, Georgia, Washington DC areas).  At the moment with COVID-19, all my events are virtual.  I also attend events and speak at a lot of events.    When COVID risk has decreased, I will be back to seeing people in my premises in London as well.

How IWC members can get in contact with you? (Contact details): 

Best ways to contact me: about any services. about my erotic memoir that just came out (Dancing the Edge to Surrender: An Erotic Memoir of Trauma and Survival) or any of my other books, blogs, or articles.

Via phone:

+44 7770 858219 UK

+1 213 447-9450 USA